Resolve
by Lily of Trust
Summary: After his encounter with the Lucifer Seraphim, Chihaya becomes even more concerned as to the meaning of his dark wings. Could he be a Lucifer as well? (Set during the second OAV, post-Seraphim, pre-Cliff)


Resolve

By

Lily of Trust

The lights are dimmed down; the sun set hours ago, but I don't remember noticing. The wrought-iron and glass balcony doors stand open, the only barrier between myself and the free night sky a thin film of lacy curtain. Light from the street-lamp below the window shines through, throwing delicate patterns of swirls and loopholes onto the hardwood floor. I watch them flicker as the electric lamp buzzes angrily to itself.

I wish I could flip a switch and shut my mind off for the night, the way I can with a TV set, a radio, a light bulb. I've read in books about the complications of the human mind, about how it goes on regulating bodily functions and entertaining itself even after the person it powers lays down to rest. I'm fairly sure mine does the same. 

Except my mind isn't human, and it never was. I'm not sure if I follow the same thought patterns, think with the same train of logic, or even reach the same conclusions...but I can't shut it down. 

You see? Do you see, Kagetsuya? We're not so different from the Earthians! You can deny it all you want, but in the end it all comes down to the most basic of similarities. We think, we feel, we hurt and we laugh...I've seen you laugh. Not often, but it happens. I want to make this world safe for them to laugh in, can't you understand that? If Eden destroys it....

It's the Earthian's anger that makes them so dangerous in your eyes, isn't it? It's that anger and burning desire to rule that drives them to create ever more dangerous weaponry. An arsenal that will inevitably turned in upon themselves. Is that why you hate them so much? Because they're so destructive?

But...Kagetsuya...more than anything else, I've seen you angry. You're always frowning over something. If you're so angry all the time, why can't you understand the Earthian's? Do you ever feel akin to them, like I do?

Akin to them. I sigh, hugging my knees to my chest as I perch on the foot of the twin bed. That's my reason, Kagetsuya. That's why I offered to be the one to see the positive side, that's why I can't help but offer my shoulder to the Earthians I see in pain...

Because really, I have more in common with them than I do with you.

A soft sigh of rustling feathers stirs the air. The frothy lace curtains rustle quietly, disturbed by phantom winds. Twin puddles of darkness fall over the intricate shadows cast by the drapes.

My wings would fill nearly the entire room, should I choose to expand them, but I don't want to look. Don't want to see how they are nearly indistinguishable from the shadows. Yours would glow against the dark, Kagetsuya, shining like a pearl resting upon black velvet. Mine...they're more like inkspills; a mistake, a mess to be mopped up before it causes an unsightly stain.

Strands of deepest violet slide over my shoulder, puddling in my lap. I absently twirl a lock around my forefinger, regarding the color hopelessly.

Black hair and black wings. The two surest signs of a Lucifer, a cancerous angel. The disease...it's claiming us in ever-growing numbers. Micheal-sama, you can try to hide it, but I know. I saw worry in your eyes, when we last spoke face-to-face. Are you thinking what I think you are? Is it possible to be _born_ a Lucifer? The condition can afflict even the most high-ranking of our order. That Seraphim...I never thought the cancer could spread so far. I never thought my coloration might be anything but a freak genetic mutation. I never thought I could be dying.

You _saw_ him Kagetsuya! You saw! His hair...it was like yours before, a fall of gold. But before he died, raven wing dark. And his wings, such glorious ivory feathers stained to ebon. They shriveled when he died, like autumn leaves. I caught one in my hand, it crumbled into dust at my touch.

Is that...what's in store for me? 

I've withdrawn from you as of late, pulling back into my own shell as I used to on Eden, where I'm a freak. I'm sorry if I've worried you. It's just that I'm not sure how the cancer spreads. What if I am sick, and what if I pass it to you through a touch, a word, a breath? To be responsible for the destruction of something so perfect as you would be a sin even greater than being born a Lucifer.

You've tried to draw me out, I know. You certainly haven't treated me any different since we encountered the Seraphim. You tell me you understand, but you don't. How could you, born like everyone else, into a prestigious line no less? You're not like me, a dark accident with no family or past to speak of. I will always be grateful for your willingness to look past my wings and hair, but you can't hope to know what it's like. To be honest, _I_ don't even understand myself, sometimes.

Maybe that's the problem. I don't know enough about Lucifers to determine whether or not I'm becoming, or always have been, one. Contact with the fallen ones is strictly forbidden, though Michael-sama and Raphael-san won't tell us why. My brows pull together in a frown, one hand coming up to grip at the bony ridge of my wing. 

I think I know what I have to do now.

Eden tracks all known Lucifers using its computer database, hunting them down and sending other Angels to destroy them. Being a positive-checker, I have access to the information. If I could find a Lucifer and convince him to just _talk_ with me...

Kagetsuya...I'm sorry. I just have too many questions. Please don't be angry with me. Maybe if you were like me, you'd understand why I have to do this. I can't ask you to cover for me or to make excuses for my actions to Eden...but please don't be angry. If anger is the emotion responsible for the Earthians' destruction, I don't want to be the cause of it in you. 

My wings vanish, hidden again from human eyes. I slide off the bed, padding silently down the hall. You're still gone, out enjoying yourself with Aya-chan and Mikage-san. All the easier for me to find out what I want to know. It would be much more difficult if I had to sneak around you in order to locate a Lucifer.

I regard the computer screen from the doorway. Somehow I feel that there will be no turning back after I enter that room. I could stop here, and no one would be the wiser...

No. Some things are just too important.

Forgive me Kagetsuya, but I have to know.


End file.
